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POSTED 11.06.09
FORT HOOD TRAGEDY
And finally—sorry, I hate to say it, but—we both cringe in front of the TV set during a national tragedy. We're hoping and praying. Praying, "Dear God, please,please don't let it be one of us!"
- Excerpt from FROM VEILS TO THONGS An Arab Chick's Survival Guide to Balancing One's Ethnic Identity in America. p. 102
When I wrote this 2 years ago, I was only joking.
But only half joking.
Whatever's going on...gotta stop.
Seems like everyone's losing their minds.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder — I think we're all getting it.
Time to start...
Time to start...stopping.
My prayers go out to everyone affected by this horrific, insane tragedy.
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POSTED 9.25.09
G-20 Pittsburgh — What a waste!!!
G-20 Pittsburgh — What a waste!!! (Disclaimer: The author does not endorse any kind of violence whatsoever, and does not minimize the importance of demonstrating on behalf of injustices and serious global issues. In fact, the author supports the right to protest — and condemns all forms of violence. Real message: protest — but don't be stupid about it.)
However, for those who do not have a sense of humor...please skip over.
Thank you,
Management (as in "me," the author)
***********
This is sooo embarrassing! This is the WORST G-20 summit ever!
UGH! I am soooo ashamed to be a Pittsburgher right now! I can't even show my face!
35,000 riot police, SWAT, Feds, National Guard...and no protests! No REAL protests! I mean, where's the burning buildings? Where's the massive arrests? Where's the city on fire!
Where's the ACTION?!
THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON!
BORR-ING!
I mean the most impressive thing that's happened so far is that a couple of guys from Greenpeace hung from a downtown bridge for a few hours with a big sign pushing awareness of global warming.
That's it! Big deal, ya know?! Jeez!
Believe me, there would be more rioting in the streets of Pittsburgh if the Steeelers got an unfair 15 yard penalty! Trust me on that. In fact, that's when we needed all this police presence — is when the Steelers won the Super Bowl back in January. Now THAT was mayhem — as it should be!
Every 2 seconds cars were lit on fire, mattresses were burning, and police couldn't keep up with all the 9-1-1 calls! University of Pittsburgh students even managed to pull a dumpster out, drag it in the middle of congested Forbes Avenue and light it on fire! POOF! Blazing flames right in the middle of the street! I think someone even dropped a couple of bottles of vodka on it to increase the flames. I swear you'd have thought it was a coup d'etat! A good old fashioned coup d'etat! It was GREAT!
Now...THAT'S how it's done!
But here...not even a peep! I swear! I walked out of my house yesterday, fearing for my very life and the only demonstration I came across was about 30 pacifists walking around in t-shirts with "FREE TIBET" written on it. And they were so nice! And quiet, too. They weren't even SAYING anything — much less chanting or shouting. Most weren't even carrying signs. In fact, one protester, was so kind, he smiled at me and asked me if I'd like a flyer, and politely broke rank to hand it to me. But he ASKED me first, and waited for my permission!
So nice...I wanted to join the protest...and bring tea and cookies!
I swear this is the LAST massive demonstration I'm going to! I mean this is stupid! We've got a reputation to live up to in Pittsburgh! We're hard working, steel mill town, blue collar, union people. We built our reputation on rolling up our sleeves and getting down to work! And this is what we come up with?
Unbelievable!
The world is watching us!
Pittsburgh Pride?
It's Pathetic.
Seattle not only beat us — but they blew us away! We may have won the Super Bowl title — but damn! They know how to riot! Now they're real pro's! We look like wimps compared to them! Afraid to cross the line! Afraid to instigate. Afraid to even organize! They're not even organized! There's too many groups out there — all disorganized! I was walking around all day yesterday and couldn't figure out which one to join!
Look, I'll be honest, I go to protests just so I can meet guys..."Hey...what are you here for? Free Tibet? Free Palestine? Free the Whales?" But you gotta know which group to join, so you can get the greatest compatibility. I mean, what am I gonna do with someone from PETA? I'm an Arab — I LOVE lamb!
I swear, after this, I can't show my face outside of this town again! What am I gonna tell my international friends? They'll laugh in my face. And forget my friends from France! Oh, the humiliation. They riot in the streets if they don't like a proposed new ingredient in traditional French croissants. Those people are gods at rioting!
Last night the police were out in full force. There were literally thousands of SWAT team, riot police, even National Guardsman — and there were about 30 protesters — and about 1,000 curious naïve college kids coming down and wondering what all the fuss was about. Babies. So young, they still have Similac on their mouths. I don't even think half of them know what the G-20 is all about. It was just a chance to take pictures, and try to sneak in beer and maybe chant something. I swear I heard someone chant "Here We Go Steelers! Here We Go - in a protest line!!!
I kinda felt bad for the police standing there all decked out in riot gear with nothing to do. I kinda wanted to grab a couple of college freshmen and start something, just so these guys would have something to do...you know, it gets kinda silly with 3,000 police officers ready for combat, when all you've got are a bunch of kids twittering and facebooking their friends telling them about how excited they are to be in the middle of history.
The police just didn't look so scary after that. In fact, about 11pm, when they advanced forward for the final time, the kids ran away - very obediently, I might add. I was just sitting back just laughing at the whole thing. After that, I just walked a couple of blocks up the street, went home, had a beer and went to sleep.
Some protests!
You have to understand, for the past 5 months, local talk show hosts and media have done nothing but pound the fear into everyone's head about the infamous anarchists. Pound fear.
And they have every right to...all joking aside, based on history, I understand. But there's a difference between warning and issuing caution, and creating crazy fear. These people had me wanting to board up windows in my own house.
Look, this is all just a big waste of my time. I mean, you'd better live up to the standards of anarchy before I rearrange my schedule to protest — especially for something so "GRANDE" as the big, prestigious G-20 Summit! Get over yourself, already!
We're never gonna live this down! Our reputation is completely ruined!!! This G-20 stinks, big time!
What a disgrace!!!
WHAT-EVER!!!
You know, next time, they really should think about bring in some Arab groups...at least our demonstrations are fun!
Guns, flags, zalghoutas, stomping feet, chanting with cool beats...and fervor! Passion, baby! I'm sure you'll even find a guy selling shawarma and felafel on the side...you know, to help with the economy...after all it is the G-20 summit!
We know how to do it right!
I'm headed out the door right now - all the "action" is just down the street. I'm gonna put on my sexy, strapless sandals, fix my make-up real nice, spray on some perfume and find the right group this time — and try to make the best of this stupid, stupid, stupid thing!
It just goes to show...this town won't budge unless its for sports some championship ring.
Pittsburgh's G-20!
UGH!!!
POSTED 5/23/09
GIRL AUCTIONS OFF HER VIRGINITY--ONLINE!
UNABLE TO PAY FOR COLLEGE ...WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
And the winner is....
"We got 11,000....Do I hear 12,000? ... 12 for the pretty little Romanian! ....12? ....12 for a once in a lifetime fantasy... Folks, ya can't beat the price! ... 12 IT IS to the man with the white polyester pants and obnoxious gold chain! ...
Do I hear 13? ... 13,000? ... She's a beauty, folks...look at 'er...Untouched and pure! ... She's a young one, only 18 fellas! Only 18! PURE, RIPE AND READY TO GO! ... 13? ...13? ...13 IT IS for the man with the sleazy turned up collar and bad cologne!...
Do I hear 14? ...14,000? ...14,000? ...
Folks, come on, you can't get any purer than this beauty right here...Look at those eyes! ... Innocent, never touched before — GUARANTEED! ... It's like opening your very own brand new package ...14,000? ...Folks, $14,000 ... Oh, she's a rarity...Not too many virgins around these days...And certainly not for this price! .... This deal is a steal! ....
Come on, 14,000? ... Do I hear 14,000? ... $14,000? ....14,000? ... SOLD!!! ... SOLD TO THE ITALIAN BUSINESSMAN FROM BOLOGNA! EXCELLENT CHOICE SIR, CONGRATULATIONS!"
Internet marketing— a whole new way of commerce!
According to news reports, Alina Percea, an 18 year old Romanian born college student studying in Germany auctioned off her virginity for $14,000 on a website so she could afford to pay for her computer degree.
Woe, these truly are wretched economic times! ...Woe is me!
Now she faces losing half of her virginity earnings to the Tax Man.
HALF!
That's like getting f----- twice.
Sorry, but it is.
UNBELIEVABLE!
Stupid Girl!
$14,000 for your virginity?
What on earth was she thinking?
Oh, she must feel just horrible about herself!
Just horrible!
She must really hate herself now!
What has the world come to?
Selling your virginity?
Online?
For $14,000?
Is that what virginity has been reduced to? A mere $14,000 lousy, stinking dollars? You can't even buy a decent car with $14,000, let alone with any non-standard features. This girl is just stupid! No wonder she's studying computers, she'd never make it in business.
She could have gotten more—way more—especially because virginity is so extremely rare in this day and age. I mean, come on, doesn't she even know that? Supply and demand, baby, its basic econ! And now, on top of everything, she has to give half of it to the German government. Why? Because German authorities declared that it was no different than prostitution. And prostitution in Germany is legal—and taxable.
Learn baby, learn. Learn from history, honey. Learn from those "wise" business people who made the same mistakes before you. Leona Helmsley. Al Capone. No matter what you do—or in this case, who you do—they'll always get you on taxes.
And now they're talking about a VAT tax (whatever that is) but it's likely to eat up an additional 19% of her earnings. So after all is said and done, she just might come out with only like less than $6,000 bucks in the end.
UNBELIEVEABLE!
She ain't no Arab girl, either, that's for sure! No way! $14,000? Are you kidding me? That would be an insult! A HUGE insult! An Arab chick knows how to bargain (we've already gone through this lesson before with my other blog Restaurants, Real Estate and Retail). An Arab chick would have easily gotten a couple of million for that! At least. No question! Doesn't this girl even know how sacred virginity is these days? Plus, you only get one shot! Literally. I mean, come on, you gotta set your price high from the door!
You know, one time, me and my siblings wanted to sell off my sister, you know, just to make a buck or two. We were thinking of some rich Gulf guys, of course, hers would be for life-long marriage, but still, it was a solid business plan. We didn't tell my parents or anything, we just conspired amongst ourselves. But even as young entrepreneurial, ghetto-fabulous immigrant kids, we were looking at least a couple million—and that was like 20 years ago!
Alina reportedly said that she was inspired by 22 year old Natalie Dylan from San Diego, who put her own virginity up for sale. Natalie's highest bidder was 3.7 million dollars.
Now that's capitalism! Learn from us Americans how to make a buck (and a bailout)! 3.7 million! That's impressive—and she's not even a slick bargaining ethnic chick! Way to go, Natalie! Maybe it's because Alina is from Eastern Europe and all, and actually thought that $14,000 was a really good price. No disrespect, but those former communist bloc nations haven't really caught up economically, yet.
And the icing on the cake?
The sex was performed without a condom.
Honey, I say, if you're bargaining that low, what's a couple thousand bucks less, right? A smart decision would have been to lower the price a little in exchange for the use of a condom. They're only a couple of bucks, ya know? Besides the fact of putting your very life at risk, the price of those AIDS cocktails can really add up.
Makes you just wish you could do it all over again, doesn't it?...uhhh...butcha can't. (Ouch...I'm sorry...I know that hurt.)
The winner was a 45 year old Italian businessman who flew Alina to Venice for the romantic rendezvous. They stayed in a luxury hotel...wait a minute...hold on a second...Venice?...Wasn't that where Madonna shot her "Like a Virgin" video?
Hmmm...interesting.
Anyway, they apparently, made a business agreement: she provided medical certificates proving that she was a virgin, and he supplied documentation which stated he was free from SDTs.
FYI guys...uhhh...in case you didn't know, doctors routinely perform reconstructive surgeries to restore women's hymens. And honey, it certain circles, believe me, it's all the rage. And on the other hand, there are plenty of doctors who will gladly provide any kind of certificate you wish...Clean Bill of Health...no STDs....you name it. Hell, I can get antibiotics just for telling them I sneezed last Thursday.
For both of their sakes, I just hope it was an ethical business deal.
I'm just confused about one little thing, though: How could a person who is so careless and carefree with her sexuality and virginity, have lost it so late in life? I mean, if she can casually send it off with a stranger for a buck, then clearly, it couldn't have been so sacred to her to hold onto for so long. (And trust me, in this day and age, 18 is long.) And if it wasn't so sacred, then why did it take her so long to give it up in the first place?
And if it was so sacred, then why put a price on it?
I'm confused.
I know a girl's gotta make a living, and she really wanted the experience to be special. But she met a strange man, in a strange country, making a strange business deal—and yet she completely trusted him NOT to be, or to act, strange. Moral arguments aside, wouldn't that be kinda dangerous? Or am I just being old fashioned here?
This girl seems like a really nice person. Apparently, she is a romantic. She said she wanted to "meet a nice man, like in the film Pretty Woman." Sweetheart, it's a film. Richard Gere was acting.
I admire her romanticism. And I give her credit for believing in love, and for sending off her virginity with a bang—pardon the pun. I have no issue with two consenting adults, and the choices they make. Live and let live. Your business is your business, babe, not mine. And I try not to cast the first stone.
As a matter of fact, in all fairness, one must acknowledge the truth, which is, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with their choices, the fact remains that there are plenty of women who give up their virginities to strangers—to men who become their new husbands—and they experience nothing special. In fact, the truth is that sometimes they even experience the horrific, the sad, the lonely—and are completely devastated by the whole ordeal. At least this girl planned to lose her virginity her way, on her terms, and tried to make her first time special. So, I give her credit for that. She said she enjoyed it. It's her life—and her decision.
But, sorry, I just don't get it.
Not for that price, anyway.
Every girl deserves that kind of fairy tale. I hope this man comes back for you, and you find true love.
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POSTED 5/12/09
SAUDI JUDGE: OK TO SLAP WIVES WHO OVERSPEND
TOSSED IN A WORLD OF EXTREME CONTRADICTIONS...WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
Generally, I stay out of religion and politics.
I have to.
It's a matter of maintaining my sanity and a healthy blood pressure level. I used to write for the news, now I can barely watch it. My blood pressure literally soars and sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't express myself right.
FYI: I'm all about full disclosure and disclaimers. So, here it goes. I am a Christian girl. In fact, I'm an Arab Christian girl. I have absolutely no right to speak about Sharia Law, which is practiced in Saudi Arabia. I am not an expert; I did not get a PhD in Islamic studies. And to be honest, I don't even think it has remotely anything to do with religion whatsoever...ahhh...buuuut that's another blog. At any rate, plain and simple, it is not my place to comment. So, as a general rule, I usually keep my mouth shut about things that I don't know about—and only talk about the things that I do.
But every once in a while, I just have to put in my 2 cents.
By the way, that would be MY 2 cents.
Yup, all mine.
So, if I've overpaid, well then, I guess I just have to slap myself.
Let me also say that I have a couple of very good Saudi Arabian male friends. Friends of my own brother, who are like brothers to me, who I know, would NEVER slap a woman. EVER. And would literally beat a man silly if they ever laid a hand on me. They are honorable, good men, as so many are.
But I feel for my Saudi sisters in this predicament. I really do.
According to recent news reports, a Saudi Arabian judge told a group of women attending a domestic violence seminar that under the Law, a husband has the right to slap his wife if she overspends his money. He reportedly said ""if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."
Let me repeat.
"...she deserves that punishment."
What's a girl to do?
Seriously.
What's a girl to do?
Suppose she is given $320 to go shopping, say for example for an upcoming wedding. By the way, who does that boy think he is giving out a mere $320—and he's a SAUDI? Is he crazy? What kind of budget is that? What in the world can you buy for $320 in a Kingdom where floor tiles are made of gold? Clearly, Saudi man is NOT doing the shopping around the house. Plus, for him, isn't that like equivalent to $25 bucks to the rest of us?
So anyways, girlfriend is given $320 to go shopping for an upcoming wedding. There's a huge blow out sale at Saudi Macy's and she discovers that these gorgeous to-die-for Louis Vuitton handbags, normally going for $250 are selling at 50% off! She buys them, but discovers that she doesn't have the right shoes to match! She just can't go around with mismatched shoes! So, she shops and shops and shops, exhausting herself, searching around for a bargain. She's an Arab chick, so naturally, she's going to WANT to get a bargain for her own satisfaction. It's just naturally in her blood, plus, being an Arab girl, she instinctively knows how to bargain down the price (as I explained in my last blog, Restaurants, Real Estate and Retail).
So girlfriend, is out in the mall, truly working it; trying to find the best deal that she possibly can without overspending. She's working hard, out there trying her best. She's eyeing some $795 Christian Louboutin's but forces herself to look away. The temptation is too great. A $350 pair of Cole Haan's is calling her name—impossible! That's more than her entire budget! She silences its voice. And the $820 Jimmy Chos is just enough to make her scream and pull every hair out of her head! She's about to lose it! Her mind races, the pressure is on! Talk about torture! Where is she going to find a pair of stilettos to fit in her budget? Girlfriend is panicking inside. She dashes out of the store. Just half way down the mall, Nordstrom's has these killer stilettos with rhinestones laced up the side going for 75% off! Prices are slashed! Normally selling for $125 but on sale—TODAY ONLY—for a whopping $31.25! Unbelievable! It's a miracle! Finally! So, now she's got the handbag and the matching shoes.
So, let's see, $320 minus $125...equals $195... plus the shoes at $31.25... $163.75 okay...that means we've got...let's see...$320 minus $163.75 equals...Wait did I do that right?
Wait...hold on... $320 minus $163.75 equals....okay, I think I got it.... equals $155.
UGHHH! It's not fair! She's out shopping all day running from store to store to store trying to find the best sale! And it's not fair! Because if she does get the handbag and shoes, then what about her hair? Because now Reema, her friend, just got new highlights and if Reema has new highlights, and she just has her regular old boring hair color. Well that's not right. Highlight treatments are expensive! Plus you gotta factor in the tip for the hair washing girl. That's at least $7 bucks there. Then another separate tip for the eyebrow waxing girl—at least $10. And yet another tip for the actual hairdresser! So, we got the hair washing girl tip...$7....wax girl tip comes to $10...plus hairdresser tip...$20...So, let's see....7 + 10 + 20 ...THAT'S $37 IN TIPS ALONE!!! THAT'S INSANE!
(Isn't there some kind of reality shopping show like this out there? I swear, this sounds too familiar, there's gotta be one!)
And what about a pedicure? If all the women at the wedding are going to be dancing and showing off their new stilettos, they've gotta show off their pretty toes! What if all the girls have French manicured toenails, except her? That's not right! And we didn't even get to the dress, yet! The DRESS! Let alone the freekin' wedding gift!
It's wrong! Just plain wrong!
But don't forget, Ladies...Whatever you do, whatever happens...Don't swear or use offensive language to your husband...No matter how utterly frustrated you might get.
I swear, what a world of difference a Dollar Store Chain in Riyadh would make. Imagine that? No one would ever get slapped! And if she did, then she really WOULD deserve it. $320 in a Dollar Store, and you're still coming out short? Sorry girls, I'm siding with the guys on that one. I'd slap her my damn self.
But girls don't fret.
We can get through this! Don't be discouraged! I'm here to help. We can work around this silly little male-egoI-own-you-and-you-are-like-a-child-not-a-life-partner budgeting problem. We're strong women, we're smart women, we're bargain queens—and we're not going to crumble under pressure! Let's show 'em girls! We can play just as hard!
If you return the 2 shirts that you bought last week at Nordstrom's—actually if you just present the receipt itself—you can keep 1 shirt and the sales lady will just discount it to the original sale price, which was 50% more. So, you can keep that extra money. And the extra shirt.
Plus then if you charge it on your department store credit card that's an additional 10% off, plus with the store coupon its 35% ...but you have to use the coupon between 7am and 9am — on Super Saturday only. Plus with the Mother's Day Sale it's an additional 15% off—Doors open at 7am sharp, ladies!
You can do this! You can do this!
Keep thinking positive girls!
Plus, if you go to "Saudi Supercuts" instead of "Salon De Marie Jean", and you wash your own hair at home by yourself first, and then just have them cut it. You can cut costs there, too. And, if you leave the salon with your hair still wet, you know, not styled or anything, I think you save an additional $10-$15 bucks. Plus think of all the money you'll be saving in tips! Whoa! You could probably afford buy a second pair of stilettos! Because in Saudi Supercuts, the hair washing girl, wax girl and hairdresser are all the same people, so you only have to tip once!
Pretty savvy, huh?
We're getting there, girls. We're getting there.
Here's another really important bonus tip:
Not only can you do your husband's laundry...But you can also launder his money!
Betcha didn't think about that as a super-savings tip, now did ya?
And believe me, girls, all that pocket change adds up real quick. When you go to select supermarkets, ask for cash back, that way you keep like $50 in your pocket and the withdrawal just shows up on your statement. And, come on, your husband never actually READS the statement, he just looks at the final total, and screams his head off about it, so he'll never know. (wink, wink ;)
We're making progress!
Okay ... $240 minus $85 with the coupon ... plus with the Special Mother's Day Dollar Discount, you get an additional 15%....Okay, so that's $125 minus $50...Okay...let me see where we're at here...we got the shoes...hair's done...and the pedicure....what are we missing? ....Something's missing... Something's definitely missing....Hold on...Wait a minute...hold on.....Shoes...pedicure...oh yeah, the highlights ...Okay....Wow! We've got $60 bucks left to go...WOW! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WOW! THIS IS GREAT! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! Honey, after all that work—plus, coming in under budget with $60 to spare? Unbelievable! You go girl!
I'M TELLING YOU! THE ONLY KIND OF SLAP THAT THIS GIRL DESERVES IS A STRAIGHT UP HIGH FIVE! YOU GO GIRL!
I say, go treat yourself to lunch with the girls! Blow all $60 on the Chinese Buffet!
Jeez...doesn't that make you feel better? I know I do.
It's just a good feeling not to get slapped, isn't it?
And men should feel good, too. At least that one guy who just divorced his 8 year old wife, should. He's actually coming out ahead. Way ahead. He has no idea of how good he has it now. I mean, if you think about it, the overall financial burden of being married to her would definitely have cost him way more than the divorce itself.
I mean, come on, after all, no doubt, she would have spent money like crazy! 8 years old? Are you kidding me? All that ever comes out of 8 year old mouths are "Can you buy me this?... Can you buy me that?...I want this!... I want that!..." Being 8 years old and all, she just might have wanted to buy a pretty flowered pink scooter...
Oh wait...I'm sorry.
Silly me, that wouldn't happen.
What am I thinking?
Women can't drive.
***
By the way...
The first time a man ever touches me like that...
will be his last.
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