G-20 Pittsburgh — What a waste!

G-20 Pittsburgh — What a waste!!! (Disclaimer: The author does not endorse any kind of violence whatsoever, and does not minimize the importance of demonstrating on behalf of injustices and serious global issues. In fact, the author supports the right to protest — and condemns all forms of violence. Real message: protest — but don’t be stupid about it.)

However, for those who do not have a sense of humor…please skip over.

Thank you,

Management (as in “me,” the author)

***********

This is sooo embarrassing! This is the WORST G-20 summit ever!

UGH! I am soooo ashamed to be a Pittsburgher right now! I can’t even show my face!

35,000 riot police, SWAT, Feds, National Guard…and no protests! No REAL protests! I mean, where’s the burning buildings? Where’s the massive arrests? Where’s the city on fire!

Where’s the ACTION?!

THERE’S NOTHING GOING ON!

BORR-ING!

I mean the most impressive thing that’s happened so far is that a couple of guys from Greenpeace hung from a downtown bridge for a few hours with a big sign pushing awareness of global warming.

That’s it! Big deal, ya know?! Jeez!

Believe me, there would be more rioting in the streets of Pittsburgh if the Steeelers got an unfair 15 yard penalty! Trust me on that. In fact, that’s when we needed all this police presence — is when the Steelers won the Super Bowl back in January. Now THAT was mayhem — as it should be!

Every 2 seconds cars were lit on fire, mattresses were burning, and police couldn’t keep up with all the 9-1-1 calls! University of Pittsburgh students even managed to pull a dumpster out, drag it in the middle of congested Forbes Avenue and light it on fire! POOF! Blazing flames right in the middle of the street! I think someone even dropped a couple of bottles of vodka on it to increase the flames. I swear you’d have thought it was a coup d’etat! A good old fashioned coup d’etat! It was GREAT!

Now…THAT’S how it’s done!

But here…not even a peep! I swear! I walked out of my house yesterday, fearing for my very life and the only demonstration I came across was about 30 pacifists walking around in t-shirts with “FREE TIBET” written on it. And they were so nice! And quiet, too. They weren’t even SAYING anything — much less chanting or shouting. Most weren’t even carrying signs. In fact, one protester, was so kind, he smiled at me and asked me if I’d like a flyer, and politely broke rank to hand it to me. But he ASKED me first, and waited for my permission!

So nice…I wanted to join the protest…and bring tea and cookies!

I swear this is the LAST massive demonstration I’m going to! I mean this is stupid! We’ve got a reputation to live up to in Pittsburgh! We’re hard working, steel mill town, blue collar, union people. We built our reputation on rolling up our sleeves and getting down to work! And this is what we come up with?

Unbelievable!

The world is watching us!

Pittsburgh Pride?

It’s Pathetic.

Seattle not only beat us — but they blew us away! We may have won the Super Bowl title — but damn! They know how to riot! Now they’re real pro’s! We look like wimps compared to them! Afraid to cross the line! Afraid to instigate. Afraid to even organize! They’re not even organized! There’s too many groups out there — all disorganized! I was walking around all day yesterday and couldn’t figure out which one to join!

Look, I’ll be honest, I go to protests just so I can meet guys…”Hey…what are you here for? Free Tibet? Free Palestine? Free the Whales?” But you gotta know which group to join, so you can get the greatest compatibility. I mean, what am I gonna do with someone from PETA? I’m an Arab — I LOVE lamb!

I swear, after this, I can’t show my face outside of this town again! What am I gonna tell my international friends? They’ll laugh in my face. And forget my friends from France! Oh, the humiliation. They riot in the streets if they don’t like a proposed new ingredient in traditional French croissants. Those people are gods at rioting!

Last night the police were out in full force. There were literally thousands of SWAT team, riot police, even National Guardsman — and there were about 30 protesters — and about 1,000 curious naïve college kids coming down and wondering what all the fuss was about. Babies. So young, they still have Similac on their mouths. I don’t even think half of them know what the G-20 is all about. It was just a chance to take pictures, and try to sneak in beer and maybe chant something. I swear I heard someone chant “Here We Go Steelers! Here We Go – in a protest line!!!

I kinda felt bad for the police standing there all decked out in riot gear with nothing to do. I kinda wanted to grab a couple of college freshmen and start something, just so these guys would have something to do…you know, it gets kinda silly with 3,000 police officers ready for combat, when all you’ve got are a bunch of kids twittering and facebooking their friends telling them about how excited they are to be in the middle of history.

The police just didn’t look so scary after that. In fact, about 11pm, when they advanced forward for the final time, the kids ran away – very obediently, I might add. I was just sitting back just laughing at the whole thing. After that, I just walked a couple of blocks up the street, went home, had a beer and went to sleep.

Some protests!

You have to understand, for the past 5 months, local talk show hosts and media have done nothing but pound the fear into everyone’s head about the infamous anarchists. Pound fear.

And they have every right to…all joking aside, based on history, I understand. But there’s a difference between warning and issuing caution, and creating crazy fear. These people had me wanting to board up windows in my own house.

Look, this is all just a big waste of my time. I mean, you’d better live up to the standards of anarchy before I rearrange my schedule to protest — especially for something so “GRANDE” as the big, prestigious G-20 Summit! Get over yourself, already!

We’re never gonna live this down! Our reputation is completely ruined!!! This G-20 stinks, big time!

What a disgrace!!!

WHAT-EVER!!!

You know, next time, they really should think about bring in some Arab groups…at least our demonstrations are fun!

Guns, flags, zalghoutas, stomping feet, chanting with cool beats…and fervor! Passion, baby! I’m sure you’ll even find a guy selling shawarma and felafel on the side…you know, to help with the economy…after all it is the G-20 summit!

We know how to do it right!

I’m headed out the door right now – all the “action” is just down the street. I’m gonna put on my sexy, strapless sandals, fix my make-up real nice, spray on some perfume and find the right group this time — and try to make the best of this stupid, stupid, stupid thing!

It just goes to show…this town won’t budge unless its for sports some championship ring.

Pittsburgh’s G-20!

UGH!!!

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